I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
