Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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