Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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