I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
