he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
