So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
