Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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