Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize