Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
