Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize