oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
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