Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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