Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
