everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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