i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
