I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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