my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
