Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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