sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
