I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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