He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
