I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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