Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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