I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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