I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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