I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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