just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
