random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
