I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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