Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize