Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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