I smell stomach acid.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
