Just fell off a train. Bad.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
where are my pants?
in the oven.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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