i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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