I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
