No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
