My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
