I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
