Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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