I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
