im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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