The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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