I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
