sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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