That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I smell stomach acid.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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