Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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