so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
