some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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