she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
