I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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