If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you win again, gameday.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
