I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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