I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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