You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
