update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
where are my eyebrows?
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