just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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