Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
