i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
