The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
