I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize