I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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