I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
