If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The air taste purple.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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