do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
