turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize