You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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