I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize