So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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