I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
