If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
