I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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