your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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