God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
