I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
