It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
