I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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